


And you'll be the most beautiful angel

by forgottentear



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Cancer, Caring Dean Winchester, Heavy Angst, Hospitalization, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sick Castiel, Sickfic, Suffering Castiel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-17
Updated: 2018-07-07
Packaged: 2019-05-24 16:00:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14957693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forgottentear/pseuds/forgottentear
Summary: Dean is 22 when he meets Castiel. Castiel is 21 when he falls ill. This is their story.





	1. meeting

_English is not my mother tongue so please be kind :)_

 

 

It was the classic stroke of lightning.But some real ones, which rattle you in.It was February 1st: it was an incredibly mild day for that month, the afternoon sun warmed up that seemed a hint of spring, and I was with my friends to the meadows. I sat and talked and looked at the sky, so when suddenly a ball came over me. I went over to the boys who were playing football nearby, but I saw they had it, their ball ... and a moment later I saw him, like an apparition, timidly appeared behind us: it was the most wonderful creature I had ever seen .. it literally cut my breath down my throat, and not only to me.

He was a boy more or less of our age, thin, coal-black hair framed him a perfect face, with fine and delicate features, in the middle of which dominated the two most beautiful eyes I had ever seen: they were not simply blue: they were two immense blue sapphires with dark blue nuances that swam in a crystal sea. He wore a pair of 70s-style jeans a little too wide, a dark red denim jacket and a scarf around his neck. I remained motionless, while he shy smile and held out his hands to get the ball.I was frozen,so a friend of mine, took it by hand and made to give it "keep beautiful" told him.He murmured a "thank you" and ran away, I saw near another blond boy, that seemed a little older. I could not close my mouth since it was left open in amazement " Winchester you will have a cramp to the jaw" my friend Ash teased me. The girls were fascinated, they comment "but what was it, gold with human form?" .. but I more. In that moment, I realized that never ever could I forget those eyes.

 

My name is Dean Winchester and I am 22 years old. I have a brother named Sam who is 18, I had a beautiful mother who died in a fire when I was only 4 years old, and I have a father who always travels for work, often around the world, and Sam and I are always have been used to getting by on their own. I live with him in a small apartment, I work in Uncle Bobby's auto shop, Sammy studies law at the university. I love cakes, rock music, beautiful women and, not without some flicker of shame, I can admit to love even the beautiful men. It was not easy to accept, but now I had made peace with the idea. Even my friends had done it. My brother too. My father is less. But since that night, since I had seen that marvelous creature, I had no peace. In the night I dreamed of his eyes, I had lost them in the day, every day I went back to those gardens to see if HE was still there, but nothing.

But one evening, it was February 22, while I was returning from my basketball training, I met Benny who, as he saw me, put a hand on his mouth smiling " look look, just the person I wanted to meet!"

Benny was absolutely one of my bestfriends. He started to circle around me with a sly expression, repeating "I met a person today ... but I do not tell you who it is .." .. at a certain point I lost my patience, I wanted to go home, I was tired and I was hungry. "I'll tell you ?? eh ??"

"You'd better !!" I remember telling him.

" Well, do you remember that blue-eyed boy we had seen that day in the gardens that you then left with his mouth wide open as a fish for half an hour ?? "..

As I felt it is useless to say. I faked indifference, thanking the darkness that allowed me to hide the cheeks of fire that had surely come to me.

"Ah yes, I remember. .and so ...? "" Do not pretend anything Dean, I know that guy hit you!

"Benny laughed, and continued" this afternoon I was passing casually near the church, and I almost crashed with him, who passed also ... I apologized with a smile, even if it was my fault, he did not recognize me ... but I did, of course, so I stopped him and asked him if he remembered us ... he fixed me a little , then he said "I do not know .." always smiling sweetly ... so I explained him, and he immediately said yes ... it seemed new from here, we exchanged the numbers, and you'll see that you'll see him soon .. "

He looked at me a little and then he held out his hand with the palm up "pay me, please !!" I nudged him in the ribs, puffing, but when I got home, in the darkness of my room, I knew that my end was marked   C


	2. Chap 2

My bad luck...

The evening that Castiel (so I had discovered his name... a strange name, but, I realized, completely suitable for a creature as special as him) came out with our group of friends, I  promised Uncle Bobby to help him fix a car with a particularly unpleasant engine, he really needed me and I could not leave him.  I tried not to show my nervousness, but I was too fond of Uncle Bobby to liquidate it like that. 

Of course, the next morning I hurriedly called Benny to ask him the news

"Oh, very well, she's very nice, even if she does not talk a lot ... obviously all the girls were around him like honey flies ... I'm sorry!"

Obviously.  He could not be gay.  Or bisexual.  Or, very simply, sooner or later, mine. 

Stupid, hoping for it.  But  I felt inside me a force of all new, strange, like a stream of light of the color of his eyes that had taken possession of me and electrified me by requiring me to throw myself into a battle perhaps lost, but I had all the intention  to fight. 

 

And maybe the fate for once in life had decided to be to my side, because, a few nights later, passing through the usual park .. well ... I saw him. 

 

He was lying on a bench, wrapped in a beige trenchcoat, and smoking a cigarette clutching it between his thin fingers looking at the sky. 

A stab to the heart would hurt less. 

 

He was there, he was alone, I could not let him escape.

 

My heart was ringing in my ears that not even a heavy metal drum set. My legs looked like lead, and I cursed myself. 

 

"Come on Winchester, since when are you so shy in approaching maneuvers?". 

 

I looked up at the sky, praying to the stars, those stars that were very clear in the sky that evening, to help me, always cursing myself.

"Ever since you ask for help from the stars, Winchester?".

I approached slowly.  I touched his shoulder, saying "Excuse me ...?". 

 

He immediately sat down with a jerk, and stared at me almost frightened. 

 

I gathered all my strength and I said "Excuse me, I did not want to scare you .. but ... do you remember me ... I ended up with your ball a few days ago in these gardens ... I'm friends with Benny ..". 

 

His expression melted into a very sweet smile  and he moved away from the bench, making a sign to sit next to him. 

"Yes, I remember," he said. 

"What's your name?" 

"Dean" 

"Castiel". 

"Maybe everyone will ask you, but what name is it? I mean, it's very beautiful and special but ..."

"It's the name of an angel ... my mother .. was ... fixed with these things ..."  he interrupted gently. 

 

We were a little silent, I felt that the situation was falling from my hands, so I asked "Are you new here? 

I've never seen you in the area "

 

" Yes .. I lived in Atlanta before .. I moved here recently ... "

 

" Ah..and..because? ". 

 

At that moment I knew that I had scored my first own goal.  His gaze frowned, but he gave me a smile 

 

"I'll talk to you another time ok?". 

 

We were still a little silent, but he did not seem angry with me.  I took the opportunity to watch him out of the corner of my eye ... he had this trench coat that wrapped around him like a blanket, black jeans, a silver necklace and some rings.  His hair curled in sweet curls on thin shoulders, and those eyes, my God ... also shone with the sky no longer clear, an otherworldly blue.

 

"If I were a woman, Castiel, I would have already jumped on you know," I thought to myself. I started to get up, but I saw that he suddenly turned his head. 

 

"Are you in a hurry?" He asked me, almost sorry.

 

"Good God, no, I'm not in a hurry" -I thought, but a simple "Oh..no ..." came out and I sat down.

 

We stood talking on the benches until the light of the sunset disappeared completely on the horizon, until the sky turned purple, and then blue, and then went up other stars, until the lights in the houses around us began to shine more and more several.

 

I discovered that he worked in the computer company of his elder brother Gabriel, whom I discovered to be the blond boy I had seen with him that day. I discovered that he played the drums, he loved to read poetry, he loved snow, fire and night. 

 

He was a person so different from me, I read little or nothing, I loved the sunny beaches with beautiful chicks and the only thing I could play was the doorbell. 

How could I have interested him? 

Already, the main problem: he was not gay, or bi.  It was not. 

 

Suddenly I saw him tighten in his jacket "I ... I should go ... Dean .. I was pleased to talk with you ..." and put a hand on my shoulder. 

I prayed that he would not feel my body through a jolt at two thousand volts.  He seemed to have liked to be in my company .. and the old Dean Winchester finally took his space inside me and asked him 

 

"What do you say .. .. we do another evening chat tomorrow?". 

 

He smiled. 

 

The next day, we were together again. And the one after that.  Work permitting, our chats on the bench became a constant.  Sometimes we took a pizza carton and had dinner there.  Sometimes Benny also came, or Charlie, or Ash.  But that was fine with me.  I wanted it to be as natural as possible. 

 The time passed, now it was almost spring.  Castiel by now came out permanently with our group, proving to be infusing a boy who was anything but shy and closed as it appeared, but solar, ironic and brilliant.  I was increasingly lost to him.  I had never been in love in my life, but this time I could say it: I was in love with Castiel Novak. 

 

We went out on a Sunday with friends, and  I felt bad because it seemed to me that he smiled more than necessary to my friend Lisa ... I began to think of leaving him alone. 

It was clear, he only wanted me as a friend. 

But the stars were back on my side. 

That same evening, I received a message saying "at the park tomorrow night, alone". 

The cellphone fell from my hand.


	3. Chapter 3

I did not recognize myself anymore. T

he beautiful and damned who never had to ask, who with a snap of fingers had at his feet men and women, who decided if, when and how to make a relationship last ... now he felt lost and heart in turmoil like a schoolgirl  .

 T he afternoon before the appointment with Castiel, for the first time in my life I really feared that my brother Sam would have raised me by the neck sooner or later.  I

was so nervous that I could not sit still, he tried to study and I walked up and down the corridor with heavy steps, beating his knuckles on the wall and door, raising the radio at full volume...

But I really needed something to busy my mind.  I could not think that Castiel wanted me there, alone.

Because? What was he supposed to tell me? 

It could not be something nice, no, he could not.

Because the only beautiful thing I wanted from him was one, and he, no, he was not gay or bisexual.  The rest could only be bad things: maybe he had noticed that I was looking at him too much and wanted to tell me to stop? Maybe he always wanted to tell me he was about to get married to Lisa, maybe he wanted to tell me he had to leave? 

The hands of the clock seemed to be mired in the mud, the light of day never ended and my heart grew heavier from moment to moment. 

Finally the cursed hour finally arrived.  I grabbed my green jacket and screamed "I leave, Sammy !!", and heard him scream "thank God!!".

I smiled and walked towards the park.  The first street lamps began to light up and I crawled from plan to plant to see if it had arrived.  I had not been alone with him for a long time, and the idea of that  was gushing my hands with cold sweat. 

"You're just cooked to spot Winchester," I said to myself, holding the keys in my fist, trying in vain for a distraction from the cold of the metal on my fingers. 

There he is.  It was already there, more beautiful than ever, with tight blue jeans that perfectly stand out its slender legs, a black denim jacket, with a narrow red turtleneck underneath that made it even more stand out his  two precious sapphires. 

God, so much beauty and perfection was not possible. 

I swallowed and approached, pretending to be nonchalant. 

"Cas, here I am, I answered your call."  I sat down on the back of the bench pretending to look for something in my pocket, waiting for him to start talking. 

"Hi, Dean" he smiled sweetly at me, "thank you for coming."

"What is it, do you want to make a secret club?" I replied, still smiling nervously. He was silent looking into the void, he smiled again, then stared at me. 

"Come down there, you stupid" and I remembered to still be perched on the back of the bench.

I slipped to his side. 

He always looked into the void, and I saw he had started fiddling with one of his rings. 

We were a little silent, then I saw that he took a sigh, stared at me and said, "I like you, do not you? I saw how you look at me".

I felt the earth collapse under my feet. God, I had been so obvious, really. 

Every time he looked at me I had to count at least a few seconds in my reaction speed because I lost every moment looking at his face. 

For the first time in my life I did not know what to answer.  I wanted to give you the right answer, but ... you know what it was.  Seeing me waver, he threw himself back.

"Excuse me you know, I did not want to ask you so suddenly maybe you think I'm rude or ... but ... I've seen how you look at me, how you look for my closeness, how dark your  look when a girl approaches me ... is that I ... I need to know ". 

He tormented his fingers making them snap, and with a flicker that made my heart boil, I began to believe that he really could ... maybe he could ... even him ... But no, it was not possible. 

It was all unreal, the time around us had stopped.  With the throat that burned me with emotion I asked "why do you want to know" 

"because I do not want to wait any more". 

Our eyes crossed, and at that moment, more than a thousand thoughts or moments or ideas or silences or fucking mental jokes ... 

I knew that yes, he was gay, or bi or what do I know, but anyway he was about to become mine  . 

I could not help myself anymore.  I threw myself on his lips with madness, that it had stayed inside me for too long. 

Probably for him it was the same, because, after the very first moment of surprise, he answered my kiss with the same passion, and we found ourselves tangled on the bench in a breathless kiss, our hot tongues explored, our gasping sighs at the  unison, my hands could no longer stay away from his beautiful body, I took his legs and made them weave around my waist and continued to kiss him, cling to his hair, pass my palms on his back, I was about to pull him up  knit, I could no longer respond to my actions holy God ... I was too, too happy. 

But Castiel was on a track steadier than mine because it broke away from my lips taking my hands off his shirt, murmuring "Hey hey..easy....".  We stared and laughed, he still in my lap, and we hugged tightly.

With his face sunk in my shoulder, Castiel said "Not bad as a first kiss". I took his chin with two fingers, brushing his forehead with my lips. 

every inhibition was now gone, I was the real Dean, the great conqueror, the big hot head, and still with the breath that came and went I told him "I wanted to kiss you from the first moment I saw you. I didn t think about anything else for weeks. You were my obsession. "

" And you mine, "he whispered to me, and we laughed, and again our lips came together, this time more gently, nibbling at each other's lips, caressing our tongue gently, and I was  already crazy, crazy about him, at that moment there was only the blue of his eyes and his hot body on mine, and that was how our story began ... 

Castiel was ... the perfect guy. It seems terribly childish to say, but  It was so, knowing him more intimately, like my boyfriend and not only as a friend in company, made me discover that I had not been wrong to choose him from the first moment.

He was such a sweet, kind, caring, good boy.  always available to help anyone in need .. 

He always had a smile for everyone, and everyone loved him and loved him, I felt complete with him, I could be myself, but at the same time he brought out the sweetest and most emotional part of me.

He made me do things  that I would never have done, how to dedicate a song to everyone, live my sexuality freely in front of everyone, and above all, give in to myself.  My life had not been easy and to survive I often had to build a shell around me, I did not let my emotions shine through if not alone in my room with music at full blast. 

But Castiel ... I learned to accept that every now and then the only thing I wanted was to stay in his arms and make me caress, rock and kiss gently.  I was afraid to look weak, but he joked kissing my nose and saying "shut up, Winchester" and I learned to let go and accept that, yes, hell, I also needed to feel ... well, pampered. 

Of course, things were not always easy.  Castiel had a terrible trauma that had happened a short time ago, and the scars in his soul were still there, fresh.

He was 21, and when he was 19, his mother, who had always suffered from depression, had committed suicide by cutting her veins in the bathroom. And so he had found it, which still breathed, and looking into his eyes had made him swear to find his way in this life, but she no, she would now give up. His mother had died in his arms and he could not forgive herself.

He said he had to save her, that he must realize that something was wrong, that he could save her. 

When he started with this sing-song in his "no" days, I did not know how to calm him, how to get him out of this delusion of disgust and hatred for himself for not being able to save his mother. I could only hold him tight for hours, while Castiel sobbed  attached to my shirt, as if  every breath. depended on me. 

Castiel had always had to live with an alcoholic and violent father, who used to scream day and night after all of them and sometimes raised his hands, and to defend his mother, sometimes he also had to physically contain him and there were some  fistfights of which Castiel was bitterly repentant, because he loved his father anyway. 

"It was not Dean's fault, he did not want to drink, but ..." .

After the mother's suicide, however, Castiel had said enough and had decided to close all contact with his father, also pushed by his brother Gabriel, who, in all  this had always been a powerful bulwark at his side. 

They were very close, Gabriel was 4 years older than him and he loved immensely that little brother so sensitive and sweet but at the same time strong and determined. 

Gabriel had married two years earlier but had split up shortly thereafter, and from that union was born a little girl named Lilian who was now 1 and a half years old and that Gabriel was holding every other week.  Castiel was madly in love with little Lilian, she was the little sister he had never had, and for Dean, seeing him play with this little blond wad was among the most beautiful things in the world. 

About three months before their meeting, Gabriel had moved his company to their small town on the outskirts of Atlanta, and Castiel had decided to follow him, although he could have been commuting to continue working on his brother's company, but ...  he was happy to change the air, start a new life.  And he was succeeding, because slowly his crises thinned out, became more and more beautiful, smiling and serene. 

When Gabriel told me about the details of their past life, (Castiel did not really love doing it, and I believe it ...), I felt within me the desire to protect Castiel from all the pain in the world, I always wanted to have him in his arms for  defend it from everyone and everything.  I felt almost insane, but this was what that boy was raising me.  Being next to him and making every one of his special days was my mission, I felt.

A mission that I would soon be asked to exercise one hundred percent. Now I will take a breath, I will close my eyes, and I will begin to remember.

 

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was around the beginning of May.

I had been away for work for a weekend, when I returned I immediately invited him to dinner at my place. 

He ate very little, turning the fork in his plate most of the time.  He had never been a binge eater, maybe I would not even bothered that much, if I had not found it really pale and tired. 

"Everyhting s alright darling?" I asked him before going away. 

He gave me a smile assuring me that it was  all right, but the next day I saw him even worse, he seemed literally without forces and was white as a sheet. 

That same evening I called Gabriel, with whom in the course of that year I had created a good relationship of friendship and complicity.  He also assured me that he had noticed that Castiel was not well, and that he would keep an eye on him.

Two nights later, when I was trying to fight the sore throat that had gripped me all day, the phone rang. 

It was Gabriel himself, who told me that he had brought Castiel to the emergency room: after dinner he had locked himself in the bathroom, he had followed him and, after putting his ear to the door, had heard him throw up.  Sure that Castiel would never open him, he ran to get a paper clip and forced the door: Castiel was vomiting blood without being able to stop. 

I felt my blood icing in my veins and I ran to the hospital, worried about seeing my Cas in some terrible condition ... But it was only sitting in the waiting room in the emergency room, looking more sullen than painful. 

I hugged him tight "darling how are you?"

He grumbled "Can not even have a stomach ache now ..." .

I discovered that they had done blood tests and now they were waiting for the response. 

We waited, and after a while came the  doctor, with a somber face.

Gabriel and I snapped up, while Castiel snorted, seemed to have entered "Grumpy Teenage" mode.

The doctor beckoned us to go to his office, smiled at Castiel and said "listen boy: you have quite a lot of values, and we thought of making you spend the night in hospital to keep you under control. Tomorrow morning we will do some tests for further tests"  .  At his words Castiel jumped up, his eyes like blue fire, saying "No, no!!! I'm going home !!!" and he started to move towards the exit, but he had to cling to me, and he bent over  on himself tightening his stomach.

The doctor laid him down on a stretcher next door, while Castiel kept his eyes closed with his forehead beaded with sweat, his hands clenched on his stomach.  I swallowed, I was about to say something but Gabriel preceded me 

"What investigations doctor ?? what could it be ??" 

"I do not know, it could be a gastritis, some other form of virus that attacks the gastrointestinal system, stones or enlarged varices.  .. probably it's nothing serious ..". 

We nodded slowly, and in my mind began to pound that" probably is not anything serious  "

Repeated ten hundred a thousand times, because I needed to believe it, to really believe that there was nothing serious.

They injected him  a sedative to calm him: half dazed, he was in time to whisper "do not go away  Dean ... " and  he fell asleep .

Despite the insistence of Gabriel, I told him that he could go home, that I would not move there all night.

I took a chair and stood beside my  Castiel ; I looked at him asleep, he seemed so fragile ... and meanwhile I felt a sense of anguish that oppressed me more and more .. 

"Here's how they should feel the animals before a storm" I thought. 

It was a troubled night ... in the hospital it was impossible to sleep, I kept waking up, even for the uncomfortable position.

In the following days they subjected Castiel to a series of exhaustion tests: a gastroscopy, ECG, EEG, x-rays, 

blood tests ...

He was better, said he did not have more pain and wanted to go home as soon as possible. 

I saw him so sad  that my heart broke. I tried to make him laugh, I was in hospital all day and when I left the night I could not sleep, imagining him lost in that white bed, all curled up and alone .

Still they had not told us anything and I lost my temper, yelling at  Gabriel on the phone 

"What the fuck are waiting for ?? That we bury ourselves with anguish?".  I obviously refused to think of the worst, I said to myself that the serious things are discovered immediately, that maybe they were just doing routine exams to be sure everything went well ... 

But the morning of the fourth day came that damn word,  "Biopsy".  They had to take some tissue from the gastric walls to get it analyzed, and I knew, I damned that biopsies were associated with ... no ... I did not want to think about it.

When I arrived at the hospital, out of breath, I immediately saw Gabriel walking nervously up and down the corridor, his face pale, his hair disheveled.

"Why this exam Gabe ??? why?" I screamed at him as if it were his fault. 

"Please Dean do not make things worse, calm down, the doctors said that one of the two of us can stand by him during the procedure, you go ... he wants you ...".  Even though I would have punched any doctor in front of me, I took a deep breath and went into Cas's room.  I hugged him but I did not have time to do anything else. because the doctor came in with a couple of nurses, pushing a trolley with God only knows what on. 

He pulled up a chair next to Castiel and said, "Good morning gentleman with ocean-colored eyes, I'll show you what we'll do in a while" and explained the biopsy procedure. 

They immediately started to prepare it: they took off his shirt, put it on a green sheet, told him 

"now we'll inject the anesthetic, then we'll do the puncture. Do you want to shake Dean's hand?" 

He shook his head.  He was sweating cold, I saw him well. 

When the doctor touched him with the tip of the pen to fix the point where they would make the puncture, he jumped two meters. 

"Hey, calm, we just made a point with the pen ... are you there?  anesthesia .. "

I leaned forward to look: they put a fairly thin needle under her skin and let go a liquid, slowly.  Castiel had narrowed only his eyes for a moment, but nothing else.  They waited a few minutes, and the doctor took out a syringe with a much larger needle, God, I got cold shivers. 

"Okay, we are Castiel ... we are ... it will last a moment .."

He turned his head to hide it among the  sheets, but when the doctor stuck his needle into his abdomen forcefully making it penetrate for several inches, he let out a scream that made my heart break.  He began to breathe faster and faster by claw the sheets with his fingers 

"I know it hurts, I know," said the doctor. 

Castiel struggled desperately not to cry, but evidently the pain was too much: he began to moan desperately, stiff like a piece of ice.  Another scream when they pulled out the syringe.

"ok baby... it's done, it's done .." .

Castiel still had his head sunk in bed, I saw his body wince between sobs.

"You do not have to be ashamed to cry, do you understand?  "the doctor told him, ruffling his hair ..." now you are turned like this for an hour, you will see that the pain passes .. ". 

I gripped his hand immediately, even though it took me a long time to calm him down, he wanted to get up and leave, and I had to physically restrain him.  
God, I felt very bad to see him like that, but I had to force myself, I had to be his shield ...  
Finally I managed to calm down a bit, the pain was gone and I was able to drink some tea.  
Evening had fallen, the sun set the sky behind the window. He had not told me a word in the afternoon about his fear or his condition. I did not want to start the speech, because I knew I would have done everything wrong.  
To be optimistic or be pessimistic, however, I would have done everything wrong. I began to caress his hair, often we did not need words, but I would have liked to say something, something that would help him, make that face smile pale and always so beautiful ... Finally I heard his voice, weak, kneaded with sleep .

"Everything will be fine, Dean is not it?" I felt my heart melt like snow in the sun. "It will be all right Cas ... everything will be fine". I kept stroking his hair until he fell asleep, and even then I kept repeating to myself "Everything will be fine ... everything will be fine".


	5. Chapter 5

Nothing went well.

The next morning, after a troubled night for both of us, the doctor who had taken the biopsy to Castiel appeared, and with a sad smile asked us to follow him to his study. I felt the heart in my throat, the head bursting, the knees of jelly. 

Why all this mess to communicate a result? Why had he even told me and Gabriel to go?  He could not just tell Castiel ?? What did I do, at the moment? 

Maybe because Castiel would need to be supported? My mind refused to reason, and finally we arrived in that damn studio.  The doctor let us sit down and smiled again. 

"Castiel, we have the result of your biopsy".  Silence. 

"Unfortunately we have no good news".  Silence. 

"It's about cancer". 

Silence. 

It seemed to me that the blood had drained from my body, at that moment I understood what really meant the phrase "feeling the blood freezing in the veins".  
My heart stopped beating awaiting Castiel's reaction.

When he spoke, he managed to stifle a ".. what ??? as ?? a t ..." 

The doctor nodded slowly.  "I know that now it's all too much but the stomach cancer has a high percentage of healing, you could heal and ..."

"I COULD ..??no, no, no no no you're telling me shit,  bullshit ... "he said in one breath.

He jumped up, taking his head in his hands. Gabriel was motionless with his glazed look.

Castiel looked at the doctor with tears in his eyes and whispered "what's left of me?"

"Oh boy it's impossible to say ... you're in an early stage, you can defeat ...".  
Castiel collapsed kneeling resting his head on the bed, starting to repeat

"god, but why, why, why ... .. ?? !!" 

I approached him, he moved away "do not touch me .. no one touches me .. I ... now I shot a shot ... here, I shot a shot ..."

 He had fallen into a confusing stage.  
  Gabriel tried to calm him down, taking him by the arms 

"Cas, you heard what the doctor said ... you can get well, we just have to see what to do ..." 

But Castiel did not listen.  Tears began to come down and he broke into a tearful cry, and then he looked up tearfully and looked at me, and said "Dean ...".  As if it were a supplication, a request.  I went to hug him, and he vented into my arms "Dean please do something ..." "My love ... what .... I can ..." "Please Dean do something" "My love ..  . ".  Neither of them could speak anymore.  
  And I cried, I cried too, in that damned doctor's office, blaspheming every saint of paradise and cursing God, if ever there was, for this insane misfortune fall on us.  
 And so the nightmare began.

Castiel fell into a bad depressive crisis.  We could not get him out of bed, make him eat decently. 

He was alone on the bed crying.

He just wanted to see me, no one else. But he did not want to talk to me. He shut himself up in the most absolute silence, he did not say a word, he did not answer if he asked something.

He had erected around an impenetrable wall. I thought I knew him and managed to break through this wall, but it was not like that. I felt light years away from him, I could no longer give him his hand, caress him ...  
 

One afternoon Benny had gone to see him, and at one point he had had a rage and had started throwing everything he found around, shattering things against the walls, the windows, the closets.  
 

It was the same thing I did every night.  Every evening, when I could remove the mask of "he who can overcome everything".  More than once Sammy had to contain me physically or I would be destroyed by exhaustion.  And I cried, I cried every night drowning in alcohol, why not, not my Cas.  
 

A couple of weeks passed, and one evening Gabriel called me saying

"today I spoke with the oncologist, who told me that for now the only thing to do is operate, remove the mass from the abdomen and then hope that the tumor does not  reform ... then follow two cycles of chemotherapy .. "

I was sick of the idea of seeing my little Castiel, so pure and fragile, suffer.  But of course I agreed, anything to have a hope of recovery.  
  The next day Gabriel took him weight from the bed to take him to the hospital to do some exams.  Castiel was always in crisis, he kept crying, they had to move him like a puppet, Gabriel told me.  
 

As long as they brought him to talk to the oncologist. I do not know what he said, but he had immediately felt much calmer.  
   That evening at home he ate a bit of rice and watched the television. 

When I sat down next to him on the sofa, he let his shoulder caress me and even gave me a faint smile.  I had not yet known anything about what they intended to do, I questioned Gabriel with his eyes, so he beckoned me to go to the kitchen.

"So, we opted as you know about the operation, it will be in about two weeks ... in Atlanta.  at least a month of hospital if you have to do it ... but there is a good chance that the operation will be successful, now they have to stuff it with medicines to make its condition static, and it's not easy Dean, every two hours has to get something ...  It will take a great deal of patience ... "I nodded slowly.  
 

I looked at the TV with Castiel on the couch, and when I made my way home, he grabbed my hand.  It was the first attempt at contact with me in two weeks, and I felt my heart leap to my throat. 

 I heard Cas clear his throat, "Do you want to sleep ... here Dean?". oh my God, of course I was.  
 In bed he let himself go in my arms, and I caressed every inch of his body, with my fingers, with the tips of my fingertips, with a delicate massage. E

very moment of those weeks of oblivion had to be recovered.  I felt his thin body relax against me, and I held him as if it were the most precious diamond, the richest treasure, the most valuable stone in the universe.  I kissed him on the temple, and again, and again.  I stroked his face with the back of his hand, his cheek, whispering "It will be all right, honey, everything will be fine". 

And slowly I felt his breath being regular.  I twisted my body even more with his, I wanted to incorporate myself to him for as long as I wanted.  I covered both of them well and, before sleep caught me, I stared for a long time the shadow of the shutters on the wall, with my most precious treasure in my arms, and for the first time since he had started to feel bad, I felt inside me  force to go forward with my head high.

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

The day was coming.

Castiel tried to feel comfortable, but he was afraid.  One evening he told me too, and I interrupted him almost saying that he should not worry, that everything would be all right, that ... that ... In fact I was the first to have a fucking fear, I hated hospitals to death , but in front of Castiel I had to be strong, he was sick with cancer, not me, I just had to be strong and support him in every step.

On the morning of the departure I went to them around noon. Gabriel was in the yard who was putting Castiel's suitcase in the car. As soon as he saw me he whispered to me "bad morning" pointing to Castiel with his chin, who was sitting on the grass of the lawn with the legs pulled on his chest.

When I went to sit next to him, he got up and sat in the car, closing the door loudly. 

"And hello to you too Cas," I murmured to myself, immediately giving me an idiot.  Was it really the case to make irony?  Maybe yes, it was the case, I sighed, entering the car too. 

Castiel did not speak for the whole trip.  He looked out the window but I could see that the tears kept coming down.  Gabriel and I did not say a word, worried about his reaction. 

We stopped at a gas station and Gabe asked him if he wanted something to eat.  He hissed a "NO!" But when he brought him a can of grape juice, his favorite, he drank it all slowly. 

In the hospital we were immediately greeted by a doctor who shook hands with me and Gabriel, smiled at us and then extended his hand to Castiel "Hello, Castiel, I am Dr. Robert Singer, and I am the doctor who will take care of you."

Castiel gave him a wary look, then mumbled a "pleasure" but his eyes soon filled with tears. 

The doctor gave him a flip "gradually, we will work to get you back in! Now I will take you to the room and the only thing you have to do is lie down and rest ok? See you later." Cas's room was beautiful  , although a hospital room can be defined as beautiful, bright, the walls painted in pastel tones, pictures of mountain landscapes on the walls.

As soon as they entered, a nurse appeared immediately smiling, with the thermometer in his hand.

Castiel jerked back, snarling "I do not have a fever!" 

"I just want to feel the temperature dear, it's a procedure for all the patients who come here."

Castiel fumbled in his suitcase, grabbed his blue-and-white suit and disappeared into the corridor.  Gabriel sighed and ruffled my hair "Are you okay?"

I shrugged. 

Everything seemed so unreal to me, we did not have to be there, we should have been playing football or on our bench or challenging the video games on the couch in my house with a giant pizza in front of me.

I muttered to myself "My god, what the hell do I do here" but the answer was very clear, I was pretty upset enough, now I had to stop working my head. 

As soon as he returned, Castiel threw himself on the bed with his arms behind his head and stared at the ceiling.  Gabriel looked at his watch and began to dress 

"They will operate you in a couple of days around Cas .. I will be here as much as possible but I will not be there forever .. Try to help those who want to help, clench your teeth and do not give up you understand?  ? ". 

Castiel nodded weakly and then turned his gaze to me.

"You're not going yet, are not you, Dean?" 

"Of course not Cas ... I'll be back home later with the means ... there's no problem ...". 

Gabriel gave us a mess of hair, winked at me and went out.  As soon as his brother left, Castiel sighed and we remained silent, how many silences lately. 

They brought him dinner, but he only fished a few spoonfuls  and then pushed the plate away.

"I want to sleep Dean ... I know it's early but I feel very tired ..." 

"Oh of course, now I go and I'll let you sleep baby ...." 

But Castiel snapped and grabbed my hand.  "Please stay with me until I fall asleep!" 

His mood was floating in a frightening manner, a moment before it was the ice boy pissed off with the world for the test he had to face, the next he was a frightened puppy  who was looking for comfort in every way.

 I sat down next to him, stroking his hair softly."  

" Did you hurt somewhere? "I asked him, and he nudged his lips with a nod of denial. 

A nurse came.

"hey blue eyes ... wait a moment before falling asleep, Dr. Singer is coming to give you a look!" .

But when the doctor arrived, Castiel was already dozing off. "

Sorry guys, but the emergencies never end in hospital.  I said "I'm sorry ..." but he beckoned me not to worry, andanyhow gently tapped Cas on the heart, on the back, on the abdomen. 

"That's enough for tonight .... Now it's better that he sleeps .. And you boy ...?" ... Dean ... "" Dean ... how about resting too? All we are focused on  sick person, but who is around ... needs almost the same attention ... because it's hard ... right? ". 

I felt my lump in my throat and my eyes pinching.  "He does not know how much". 

I arrived home late at night, dead tired.  Sam appeared from the living room, wearing pajama bottoms and a short-sleeved shirt.  "Hey ... so ... how did it go?"

"It's going to be hard Sam," I replied, taking off my jacket and shoes, without looking at him. 

"Dean".  His voice was firm. 

"Come here big brother".  And without giving me time to react, he squeezed me into a broken embrace. 

"I'm always here you understand?".  I did not answer him, but I knew he understood that I was grateful, immensely grateful for that embrace. 

"I got you a double bacon and cheese burger, would you?"

"I love you bitch," I said, laughing. 

The next morning, the dark sky and the humid air of five in the morning, the traffic of the people going to work in Atlanta, and then the muffled silence of the hospital. 

A nurse approached me a"Hello, you're here for Castiel Novak is not it?" 

"Yes ... did he sleep tonight?" "Oh do not worry. He's still asleep ... go to him." 

My darling was asleep, and I listened to his breath until the nurse came in, resting on the bedside table the necessary for fever-pressure-withdrawal.

He said "do you want to wake him?" And so I shook him slowly

"hey love  ..here I am ".

He looked for my hand and seemed to be dozing again, when he mumbled" I want to go home .. "

Well, let's start right away, I thought. 

The nurse pulled up the blinds, sat down next to him saying, "Courage, we have to do the morning routine exams".  Shortly thereafter he arrived with breakfast, and I had to beg Castiel more than once to put something down.  We passed the morning in silence, he turned and turned in bed, but taking care not to let go of my hand, I did not know what to say.  And this was good or bad the script of the next two days. 

Wait, there was nothing to do but wait.


	7. Chapter 7

The night before the operation, we slept hugged.  I did not give a damn about what doctors and nurses might have thought or whoever that damn came into the room.  I wanted to hold him close to me before his body was violated, still apparently healthy, before the long path of the scalpels and poisons that would then invade his body began.  They had given him a soothing because he was very agitated, he tried to be quiet but in the evening he exploded in a convulsive cry that nobody, except drugs, had managed to calm down.  
  
   
  
Now he was standing in my arms, awake but still in a state of numbness, his heavy limbs as I held him in his arms.  His eyes were open, I felt his breath slightly panting as I held his face close to my heart and with his other hand massaged his back and arms.  
  
"I'll be your dream I'll be your fantasy ... I'll be your hope I'll be all you need ..." I would whisper to him, humming  'ear.  
  
"I 'll love you with every breath, truly madly deeply ...",*  
  
"Everything will be all right, honey, I will always be next to you ..." I kept repeating.  I finally felt his breath grow heavier, and I saw he had fallen asleep.  I held it tight to myself all night, I could not close my eyes, the calming should have given it to me too.  A thousand, a thousand thoughts, fears, worries, hopes that clashed and melted in my heart rising like tongues of fire in my head, I wanted to turn it off, but I could not, and finally, or unfortunately (I did not know what to think)  I saw the clear light of the morning in the sky, and in less than no time, I had just had time to stroke the back of his hand, which had already taken away from me.  
  
   
  
My heart exploded when, in spite of all the fear I am sure at that moment, Castiel tried to smile at me from behind the glass in the room where they had pre-anesthesia, raising two fingers in the classic sign of victory.  With shining eyes I replied to his sign, then Gabriel put a hand on my shoulder.  "Come on, Dean".  
  
   
  
Partial gastrectomy.  Out of there, my Cas would no longer have the lower part of the stomach, and we had to thank the sky that the tumor was blocked there, otherwise they would have to remove it all, the stomach. 

4 hours eternal.  In which I did not have to allow my mind to remember all the risks related to the operation gently but sinisterly blotted by Dr. Singer, hemorrhages, infections, clots, strokes ... It was also Sam, initially there was also Benny who had tied a lot  with Cas in that year of knowledge, but he had not held up the tension and had gone home telling me to call him when we knew something.  
  
   
  
Dr. Singer's appearance made us snap to our feet, our nerves broken apart from the expectation that they were relaxing like jelly at that moment.  He gave us a smile. 

"The operation went well, there were no complications.  There were no metastases, we removed everything.  Of course, as you know the surgery was not a joke, now we will keep Castiel in sedation for at least 24 hours because his body needs time to recover and, if awake, feeling pain could stress your body too much ... "..  ...  
  
"Dr. Singer, I wanted to tell him .... I want to see him ... I can see him please ... where is he now ... where is my love ..." I was thinking...  
  
"Consequences such as anemia, frequent infections, malabsorption will be monitored closely ..."  
  
... let me see you please..Cas love I'm here ...  
  
"... keep a surgical drainage, intravenous nutrition for a long time ..." .....  
  
My God let me see ....  
  
"..as said now it is completely sedated, but if you want to see it ... one at a time".

Gabriel came first, rightly ... or maybe not, it was right that I entered first ... I said to myself and I giving vent to my nervousness. 

Finally they came to call me, another hour and a half had passed between one thing and another, and it took me another half hour to bardarmi all sterilized in order to enter, as if I were quarantined. 

But here is my Castiel ... even if it was practically submerged with drip, small tubes,  that came out and entered him from the chest, nose, mouth, arms ... and that scar, I shuddered, one  gash that went from the groin to the breastbone, bandaged but already stained with blood ...

I knew I had to think of Dr. Singer's words, that everything was fine, but seeing Castiel in those conditions on that bed, surrounded by the beeping bip of the machinery, the noise of the respirator, the front and back of nurses who controlled him every two  minutes ... well, I had to appeal to all my self-control not to throw everything in the air, take my Cas and take it away.  I could not do anything but look at him and that was it, before the few minutes allowed to expire and make me move away.

I had to get out of there.  Go back into the real world, into the noise of people walking in the street, cars, children chasing the park.  I started running, I remember. 

Without even greeting Gabriel, I started running. 

And I ran, I ran for at least an hour, I was wrecked, breathless and panting, but it did not matter because I finally had the fresh air kissing my face and I could hear the noise of everyday life, people, children, cars.  At home I took a cold shower, and I tried to empty my mind on the sofa with a bottle of vodka in my hand, while the weariness and exhaustion took hold of me and finally I fell into the oblivion of deep sleep.

"How could it be that they can not wake him up yet?" I screamed when the damned 24 hours ended.  After a night of deep and dreamless sleep, I had returned to the hospital and I had not moved since.

 

"Dean please, they know what's right. Apparently the wound is bleeding more than necessary, the pressure drops to the bottom every tot and some values are still low ... but it's nothing serious, please "

 

" Fuck gabriel how do you always be so controlled!  "I screamed at him again

 

" I owe, Dean "and with this he picked up and got up" I'm going for a ride ".

Sitting or lying on those damned plastic chairs, I waited another 12 hours.  I wanted to be the first person Cas saw when he woke up.

And finally the situation had stabilized, and they talked about waking him up in moments.  I got up and walked next to them, with a look that said "try to wake him without me ... just try ...".

Dr. Singer always looked at me with great tenderness, I remember.  In a calm but authoritative tone of voice, he told me that I should not do and say anything that could have agitated Castiel.  "He still needs absolute rest, Dean.  You can stay with him for a few minutes and say a few words, but then you will have to leave. "

I stood in the corner, as they approached Castiel and pulled away some pipes, injected something, always staring at the monitors to catch any anomaly. 

"Come Dean, he opened his eyes," the doctor told me almost in a whisper, holding a hand to Castiel and, when I was approached, he slipped it into mine. 

 

"For now, do not talk Dean, just hold his hand"

Cas blinked several times, his eyes were glassy and tarnished, every few seconds he closed his eyes and seemed to make a huge effort to reopen them. 

I was afraid even to breathe, afraid of doing something I did not have to.  But finally Castiel seemed to focus his attention on me and I felt I felt a very weak squeeze. 

"Now you can try and tell him something, Dean ..."

I stroked his hair, smiling, in tears.  "Well woke up, my love," I whispered.


	8. Chapter 8

About two hours passed. 

Two hours when Castiel struggled to keep his eyes open for more than three seconds, to try to breathe alone, to try to move the hand a few millimeters trying to tighten mine.  And every two minutes, doctors and nurses came and went, and it was never possible to stay a while, and the beeping bip of machinery was driving me crazy and I wanted to hear his voice, I wanted him to talk to me, smile at me...   
  
  
   
  
  
How I was wrong.  As soon as he regained enough knowledge to have enough breath in his lungs, he began to moan in pain.

I saw his face contract in an expression of deep suffering, the tears began to scratch his face and the breath become more labored, the body stretched like a string of violin, and then here are those damn moans convulsed and stifled. 

I took off: first it was full of nurses, how is it that now that they served there was nobody?  Ah, here's one. 

"Castiel Novak in in pain, do something".  I tried to control myself or they would have thrown me out, but it was hard when the person you love was suffering. 

Dr. Singer arrived immediately, sitting next to Cas and took his face in his hands to focus on him. 

"Castiel, do you have pain?  Can you tell me one to ten how much is this pain? ". 

Castiel did not seem to understand, or could not answer.  He kept moaning, his chest rising and falling convulsively, keeping his eyes closed tight.  
  
  
"What does it matter to him how much pain he has, he just has it, give him something," I hissed tightly. 

Dr. Singer motioned me to stay calm, he repeated the questions to Castiel, but in response he only started to moan louder, even trying to move. 

Castiel was crying and, God, I was about to punch someone, what the hell they were waiting for, until finally Dr. Singer said something to the nurses, who injected something to Castiel and in a few seconds again went into his  induced sleep.

"Now out, Dean. We have sedated her again, in a lighter way, but you have to be ready, he will have pain in the next few days, ok, Dean, he will have pain. And we will do our best and more to help him, but you try to stay in your place and respect my colleagues with respect, I hope I do not have to repeat myself ". 

Gabriel stood outside the door ready to enter, and when he saw me striding out, he jumped up worried 

"What happened ??" 

"The hell has started" I whispered hoarsely.   
  
  
   
  
  
As expected, as damn planned, the post-operative was hard.

The pain was for Cas a constant, perennial presence. 

He was perpetually attached to painkillers, but too often they were not enough. 

For too many hours, I had to hear him groan, with pangs in which he cried, and I could not even hold him to me, because he was always full of tubes. 

The worst moments were those in which the drainage changed him, and he screamed in pain, poor darling.

The wound initially blew too much and they had to change it every hour, and Castiel was in pain, I felt like I was dying when I saw him wince in the spasms when the nurses touched him and medicated.

The slow recovery of consciousness after the operation and all the drugs that circulated around him had left us a Castiel, often very poorly polished;  it seemed that only the pain was what made him conscious, the rest was fog and half-awake agitated. 

 

Sometimes he seemed not to recognize me, he kept asking how much he had passed from the operation so that he hoped the more time went by the less the pain increased. 

Gabriel to keep him awake and lucid made him repeat the tables or the lyrics of his favorite songs.  I talked to him, I talked to him a lot.

I stroked his sweaty, feverish face, his face when it was not occupied by the oxygen mask, his hands when they were not wrapped by a myriad of patches that hid the needles of the IV. 

 

I talked to him about how wonderful it would be when he came home, I would take him to see the dawn on the glacier, we would roll in the grass, we would have listened to the evening wind and enjoyed every single moment. 

 

Being able to have a Castiel who spoke to me, who was not moaning with pain every few minutes, to be able to live without those bips in the ears and that perennial smell of drugs and disinfectant in the nose ... can hold it to me on our couch, and not on  a damn hospital bed ... to be able to live without a damn sword of Damocles on the head, because every day was a lottery to get to the evening praying that his condition would not get worse ... All this, a dream.

 

 

But then slowly it happened.  The days passed, and the intervals between a cry of pain and the other grew.  The moments when Castiel could benefit from a bit of quiet sleep, in which he could say a word more than "Dean ..." with his voice broken by pain, grew the strength of his handshakes  , and at the same time the tubes and the infusions on his body diminished, the cardiac monitor was kept only during the night, the bandages on the chest were less thick and extended.

 

 

And the day came when I could embrace him, and nothing in the world seemed so beautiful to me of the sensation of his body on mine. 

I did not squeeze, I just wrapped it in my arms, his slim body, so thin  that I was afraid to hurt him only to touch it. 

 

I melted into silent tears as I caressed his neck and back, repeating "Love my love, my love", and he echoed me, his face sunk in my chest, "Love my love my love". 

 

It was only for a short time, then he asked me to put him back lying down, but he smiled at me, my God, a smile ... If I ever had to describe the light of an angel, it was Castiel's smile that day.

 

 

And then very slowly, but also came the day he got out of bed.  On the one hand, Gabriel on the other, under the strict supervision of a nurse, moved a few uncertain steps, making a huge effort to resist the pain, but left the room, and we were so happy, so happy with those small, slow  footsteps, and I remember he could not go back and I lifted him in my arms to bring him back to bed and laughed when I passed under the door, saying that certainly we would not have imagined this as a place for a "Bridal style" outlet.

 

 

And the day came when they tried to make him eat, or rather, drink, because he would have to follow an almost liquid diet for a while ... So far he had only drunk water or tea in small sips, but that evening they came to bring him a  some soup.  I saw him take a deep breath.

 

"Come on honey," 

 

",It takes only a few, but you have to start ok? " .

 

Castiel laboriously sat down and began to play with the spoon, then lifted a little broth, I saw him close his eyes and swallow slowly.  I saw that he shuddered: "It hurts ..." 

"Of course it's a bit bad, it's so much that you do not eat," 

I told him, but encouraged him to take another spoonful.  He sent two more sips: 

"It hurts ..." he sobbed. 

I sat next to him and rubbed his chest when he swallowed.

 

"Is that better?" I asked him, and he nodded slowly, and managed to send something more before saying, "Enough, I'm finished ..." 

"Very good love ... you've been very good." But he was taken by a small  crisis of discomfort "I have not been very good Dean ... I will have sent down five spoonfuls and I seem to have climbed a mountain ... God ... I hate all this ...." 

 

I would have liked to say that I too hated  everything, but I did not waste any time and lay down beside him caressing his hair and face. "Do you hate that too?" I managed to snatch a smile from him. "No ... this is not."

 

 

A month had passed.  A tunnel that seemed endless, but the end was near ,because Dr. Singer, after an accurate visit lasting more than an hour, had cheerfully decreed that he could catch a glimpse of the exit from the hospital in Castiel.  And, it was August 4th, I remember, we had his consent to leave the damn place. 

 

I was so happy that I felt like I was flying.  I listened to Dr. Singer's thousand recommendations, on the fact that Castiel should still be at rest, that he should come back every week for a check and for the wound dressing, that we had to pay attention to that or that ... but ... 

 

My mind was already wandering about not having to come in there every day, to wake up and just go around the block to see my Cas.  He was happy too. 

 

We tried not to think that he would have to face chemotherapy later on, as soon as he would have recovered from the operation.  At this moment he would not hold it.  But I had begun to live moment by moment, and now I was thoroughly enjoying the preparation of Cas's suitcase, while he had gone to the bathroom to get dressed.

 

But after a while not seeing him come out, I knocked softly "Hey, what's going on?

 

Castiel was turned, and he mumbled "There fucking pants are too large for me now..."

Gabriel, also next to him, sighed "Cassie, you know that you have lost a lot of weight. The dietician has left you a food program with lots of extra calories and you will see that you will soon put back a few kilos"

 

I remained silent, trying not to see that in those pants with which he had arrived now he was inside three times.

 

And so we left.

 

Castiel still struggled, we took a long time to get to the car but he did not want to use the wheelchair.  The trip was short but Gabriel had put him in the seat behind a cushion to a blanket, and in fact Castiel fell asleep on the trip, and when we arrived he shook it slowly "Hey ... we're here ... wake up sleepy beauty".

He opened his eyes slowly, and said in a kneaded voice, "Are we  home?"

 

"Yes my love ... we are home".


End file.
